Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Time & lessons

Tick tock tick tock...
As I am comtemplating a good place to meet up for a coffee with a lost friend I feel time weighting on me. Tape, I think cafe Tape might be good.
My phone goes and I receive a message: How about cafe Tape?

I thought that I would do at least one blog on my own themetweets.
The way that I timed my themetweets is remarkable with my life's events right now.
As a living human being, you probably have known grief, heartbreak and loss.
That one person in your life that was the apple of your eye and has left you behind.
Your heart was stomped on, and you are left with this incredible empty space.
As we are in Venus retrograde the planets do their thing. Venus retrograde is in theme of your heart and your gut. As well, it is very possible that old flames or friends may turn up.
It is a cycle of endings and beginnings.
Sunday that happened to me. I ended my friendship with my bestie last summer.
The thing is I believe we simply couldn't be there for eachother at this moment. I was about to enter my second burn out and she had something devistating happen. As I pulled back from her eventful life to take care of myself, the blaming began. She felt left. She said all these horrible things to me. And I exploded right back on her.
If anything I hoped she took from our friendship it had to be how important it is to take care of yourself before others. Of course friends need to be there for each other. But here is the honest truth, you guys!
It is not always possible to give the energy people need from you. Especially when your battery has run dry.
Anyway over the fight we broke up. I know that sounds dramatic, but that is how it just was.
The literal words: the friendship is over - have been used.
You have to understand that a friendship like this was very intense for me. We saw each other on a weekly base maybe 3-4 times in which we would share so much. We would help each other out with practical problems. If one of us happened to be out of money for food the other one would help out by sharing a meal from home.
We would share things about our life, and about our thoughts on angels, guides, soul connection and that sort of thing. At one point our connection became so strong that we would know when the other was in pain and needed help.

After our friendship break up, the processing began. I had become furious with the way she'd treated me in the end and the things she said. I did that thing where I would have fictional arguements in the shower talking to myself. Practicing a dialogue for when I would run into her.
One of my pains had become how she never seemed to respect my time. She would always be late and put it on the circumstances. I know I can be annoyingly on time, but here's how  I see it. Making time for someone is also energy. If I had other things planned for my day, and people show up late, I kind of need to reschedule my things because of the other person. 
My time equals my energy. I basically put my energy in waiting and to me that feels useless.

Another thing that happened is that I went in hermit mode. I seriously needed more self connection. So I lived in solitude for a while just to figure myself out.
To ask myself what I want in my friendships.
I would go and volunteer at the concert hall and cook meals because I still need people around me every now and then and to not completely lose touch with the outside world.
The cooking really did me well and helped me to come to a calmer place.
In the midst of that I realized that I need friends that respect my time and energy.
And another important lesson that I took is that I'd never really talked to my old friend about my true feelings towards her being late. I kind of bottled it up.
I was also good at making assumptions about what she would think or feel. We never brought anything like that up.

After a few months or so I slowly reconnected with some other friends and felt that I was triggered by this one friend who also has the tendency to just be late.
And I felt the anger rebuild inside of me. So, I brought it up to her. She apologized for her tenedency of being late.
I told her that I'd like to see this change.
And I know she is doing her best to it. But for the reason of her still doing it, cause 'she can't help herself', I tend to keep our contact mellow and on a low. She's a great gal really, but it the pain that I feel is real. That's how deep it goes for me.

The pain of losing someone so close is also still very real. There are moments when something incredibly funny happens and I just wanna call up my lost friend and share the story so we can both have a laugh.
There are moments when I have one of those dark nights of the soul and I'm just trying to grasp what is happening and I know that some love and input would really help.
And of course I have other friends I am so grateful for and that are so very sweet. But, I am missing the real connection.
After almost a year I would have hoped that time would have it's way with my heart and heal it. 

The confrontation that I am about to have here is real, and it's only 30 minutes away.
And I have literally know idea what to say or do about it.
The only thing that I just hope for is some healing. While healing would mainly come from within, I think peace would help with this.
So I guess waving the white flag is the best it is going to get.
And as time moves on, I hope I learn to re open my heart to those around me in order to create a closer connection.
My heart has been on a holiday, and it's been taking it's sweet time to relax.
Though heart I am begging you to come back for me, cause we kinda need each other.
May my heart soften and with time return to me fully recharged.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Changing Rainbow - Week 1 (day 8)

The goals:

1. Getting to a weight of 69 kg by the end of these 100 days

2. Achieving a daily structure that involves: relaxation, work, study, and exercise

It is reflection time. A week has gone by. A week in which 'Mr. Fear's' voice has been pretty loud trying to push me right back into my comfortzone.

Here is my to do list of last week: 

1. The first change I will make is to start make a weekly schedule for myself.
After each week I will reflect on how it went for that week.

2. I will start replacing my lemonade and soda with herbal tea, and water.

3. I will make a complete plan on how to achieve these two goals.

It hasn't gone perfect, but I've reached more awareness on my patterns this week. This is what I call a very important achievment,
I've found out in which ways I sabotage myself. One of the favourite excuses made was: 

"I've worked hard, it's sunny outside. Let's go wine and dine with friends"

I have worked out a schedule for goal 1. I haven't been sticking to it perfectly. It is more this ambitious plan of what a good day to day might look like.
But, I have included study and exercise into my everyday quite well so far!
I may have overdone the relaxing part. Something that needs my attention is my bed times.
Me and the boyfriend have been staying up too late in evenings.

For goal 2 I have replaced my Coca Cola with water. I love the bubbly waters!
That has been going nicely, although I have made the agreement with myself that I should stick to having the maximum of 3 coffee, and to have my wine on the weekend. 

Like I said before: I'm not aiming to go hard-core diet, I'm aiming balance.
Life should still be fun. 

I have not made my complete plan yet. Something I will work on right after finishing up this blog.
Here is the do list of this week:

1. Meditate daily to enhance focus & motivation. (Find the meditation challenge here)
2 Have 3 meals a day.
3. Work out all the things that motivate me to make these changes.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Rainbow's recipe's - Pizza time

Pizza is my favourite thing in the world I think.
I am really capable of hopping in my car and driving all the way to Italy to have their pizza.
But the next best thing is to make your own home-made pizza.
One of the greatest blessings ever is that I have had my boyfriend teach me how to do this.
Once you know how, it will change your life forever.
The fair warning to come with this is that you will most likely become a snob like me when it comes to pizza. Meaning you will not want to touch deepfrozen ones ever again.
Let's get baking! You can use prepacked yeast and regular flower if you want, but type 00 and fresh yeast will make a huge difference!

Oven should be hot! Mine does not go hotter than 230 celcius, but if yours does embrace the high temperature here. Whack it up to 300 celcius if you can.

250 gr of Type 00 flower
Fresh yeast
1 teaspoon of sugar
1 teaspoon of salt
1 table spoon of olive oil
About 100 ml of lukewarm water

A bowl
A rollingpin


Start by activating your fresh yeast in preparation. Here is a handy: how-to
Get your bowl out and put your flour in there. Make a little hole in the middle. Add your salt and sugar to the bowl and mix very well. This is important, because when it is not mixed properly and you add the yeast, the salt will deactivate the yeast.
Make little hole and add your yeast at this point. Mix well.
Make a little hole and add the olive oil. Mix well.
Now lastly add your lukewarm water. It has to be lukewarm because it will help the rising.
Bring together the dough in a ball. I suggested about 100 ml of water, but you may need a little bit more. It is important that the dough can come together.
Put a little bit of flower on your working space. Take the dough out of the bowl and now the kneading can begin. Make sure that your working space stay floured to prevent sticking.

I find it easiest to hold the dough in one hand while using the other one to push it away from me. Then I fold it back towards me and just keep repeating this until the dough becomes more elastic. What you need to know is when you knead the dough, the yeast gets more activated and stretched out. This is what creates the light and fluffy crust of the Italian style pizza. I would say that I usually knead it for 5-10 minutes. I know it seems long, but keep thinking: fluffy crust!

When you are done kneading it is time for the dough to rest, so it can rise. Clean your bowl out and put your dough in there covered with a damp teacloth. Make sure you damp your teacloth with lukewarm water again.
Put the bowl in a warm place. Usually I place mine close to the radiator and let it sit for 2 hours.
After an hour you will already see that the dough has risen up quite a bit. So, just punch it down and let it sit again.
I hear you thinking: all that waiting? Yup. Look, do you want a good pizza or not? ;)

After 2 hours we arrive to the exciting part. Making pizzaaaaaa!!
Divide up your dough in 3/4 pieces. Flour your surface and start working that rolling pin, babe!
Getting a round shape can be a bit tough in the beginning, but don't get discouraged. Practice makes perfect. Basically follow this tune: roll it out, move it half way, roll it, move it half way, roll it. I will do a video for you as soon as I get that camera in the summer.

Make sure that your surface stays flowered so the dough doesn't stick to the surface.
I like my pizza very thin, so I keep rolling a long time.
My secret to a round pizza is that I use one of those baking shapes. I roll until the fit in my pizza baking shape and then I put it on the shape obviously before I start topping.

Spread some passata on your pizza. Make sure your pizza is covered, but please don't overdo it! The pizza will be runny when you do and you don't want that.
Just use a spoon, spread it out, and work your pizza like that.
Now you can top your pizza with whatever you want obviously.
But here is another little secret. Use different kinds of cheeses on your pizza.
I usually use this mix: a young cheese, an older cheese, parmesan and mozzerella (preferably buffalo mozzerella)
Get creative.
Pizza making is so much fun!

                                                              (my pizza veggie!)

Before whacking it in the oven I usually top it with some pizza spices. Nothing more than an italian mix of herbs.

Depending on the heat of your oven, bake it between 4 - 10 minutes.
The dough should not be soft anymore when you take it out. For my temperature I usually do 8-10 minutes, but the hotter the oven the less time it needs.

Enjoy your pizza and thank you for giving my recipe a chance!

Day 92 - I am good natured

I would like to think that I am good of nature.
I am a good person who does good things for myself and others.
And I think I am pleasant to be around. One of the things that I have started appreciating the most about myself as of late is the fact that I always try to make the best out of everything. I smile lots, I am cheerful and I love to make jokes.
When I work my tetris job, I like to dance and sing along as I do my work.
Because: ‘that spoon full of sugar does help the medicine go down!’
Mary poppin’s song has changed my life in that way forever. My attitude is easygoing, and things just flow more.
For me this song is an alternative to the famous: ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade’
I don’t think it’s fair to blame it on the lemon’s to be honest. Saying this makes me giggle a bit.
Because lemons may be super sour in themselves, but add it to the right dish and you get such a kick from it! You know what I am saying?
I love cooking and that is why I am bringing up this anology.
It is about the different elements that brings a dish together. The sour, sweet, spicy. When you bring everything together and it is perfection it becomes umami. ‘The heavenly taste’
There is always something good to the situation. Not only bad things.
One sour job can be fun if you add a sweet element and go about it with spice!
Just make the best of things. Be a good person to be around. Have you heart in the right place.
And voila.
There is your recipe.

Day 91 - I am deep

They say silent water run deep grounds.
Well, you know I am everything but silent. But I do have deep grounds.
I used to be more quiet when I was a kid. I would have a lot of time to think about things.
And still I love to think about things on a deeper level.
The other day I met a girl who would spend a lot of time behind the gambling fruity machines at a bar. So in talking with her I suddenly asked: So, what is it that you are running from?
She looked at me in suprise. “What makes you think I am running from something?”
“The amount of time you spend behind the fruity machines. It tells me that you are getting away from something in your life. What is it?”
I could tell by the way she ended the conversation quickly that I had made her uncomfortable.
I happen to know about a boy that would also gamble and he would do it to have an escape from real life as he told me. I became intruiged with why and how we choose our escapes. There is a deeper layer to our behaviour and I like to think about it to figure it out. And yes I admit, I can be a tad too confronting or challenging for some people. In this case the girl.
I also like to think about other life questions: why are we here? What do we learn from each other? I see life as a big school. It is the biggest school you will ever be in. Situations and people are our teachers. It’s upto you to learn the lessons.
Our waters just have deeper grounds in general. And I dive into waters deep to discover what is there. What we do, we do for a reason. Because once upon a time it helped us to deal with things.
There is so much more under the surface.

Day 90 - I am persistant

My event is coming up so fast now.
In this stage of the planning I almost get into that panic-freeze mode.
Like, AH! Maybe I should just not do this event.
But I bet that is just my head getting in the way of things.
Whatever I start, I want to finish. Simple as that.
I have made this promise to myself. And I am going to stick with this event.
It is very exciting for me to bring the travelers of suprise me together.
A few years ago, this quality in myself was really strong. So I know I have all the goods to do it!
Short blog this one, but right now I have nothing more to say.
I’m persistant. Just a reminder to self.